The Leafs: More Impotent Than Your Grandfather

When I watch Leaf games like the one last night, I feel trapped. Trapped in the sense that I am a lifelong fan - for better or worse - of a team that has shown very few signs of life over my time on the Earth, a team that may never be any better than it is now.

In short, I feel a lot like this lady's groom must feel. Trapped with something you know isn't ideal - something that can be greatly improved on. Can you imagine watching your bride smoke back a hotdog like this (much like the daughter from Coneheads) on her fucking wedding day? Can you imagine marrying someone that looks like this on their best day? Well, imagine all of that doubt and shame, and that's exactly how I feel when I watch my team get taken apart like it did last night, knowing that the team has shown no inclination toward rebuilding or challenging for the top prize, opting instead for a decade of mediocrity.

Besides "FUCK", what is there to say about last night's game? The Leafs were dominated in every aspect of the game by the much better Buffalo Sabres. They limped off the ice after a 7-2 drubbing as one big floppy cock.

"Totally fucking ineffective" is how I'd describe the effort put forth by the team. The only player about whom I have something positive to say was Kris Newbury, and I don't even consider Newbury an NHL calibre player. Newbury was the sole source of energy on the Leaf team - despite only 6:30 of ice time - and did his best to spark his team out of their coma. The problem with Newbury being your best player is that he is a 4th liner; and when the only person doing a reasonable job is a 4th liner, you're going to lose badly, most of the time.

Vesa Toskala was total garbage. Sometimes, when a goalie lets in a bunch of goals, you can justify or qualify a few of them by saying things like 'he had no chance on that one', or 'that one was tipped', or 'he was screened'. Last night, Toskala was the goaltending equivalent of Nickelback - the absolute shittiest example possible. Vesa Toskala has the easiest job in the NHL - he just has to be better than Andrew Raycroft - and he's really shitting the bed thusfar. Want an example? He has let in the first shot of both games he's played.

To put it mildly, Derek Roy and Thomas Vanek anally raped the Leafs last night. Roy had 3G 3A, while Vanek turned in a less dominating but still outstanding 1G 3A.

The saving grace from last night: Pre-season games don't count, and may even scare the Leafs into playing like professionals rather than beer league pylons.

Random Game Notes:
- My attempt at positives after last night's game: Bryan McCabe, Chad Kilger, and Jiri Tlusty were both +1 - not too shabby considering the final score; Alex Steen had 7 of the Leafs' 22 shots; Mats Sundin was 13-4 in faceoffs. It should be noted that all of the players mentioned here turned in fairly terrible performances last night, so take the stats with a grain of salt.