Leaf Fans: Heads Up Their Asses For 40 Years!

I am as unhappy with the pre-season as anyone else, but the response of the typical Leaf fan still surprises the shit out of me. Would someone be able to tell me how it's possible that the pathetic, ridiculous ideas Leaf fans come up with sound reasonable to them? The following is a partial list of serious ideas brought forth by Leaf fans, via telephone, newspaper, or internet in the last few days:

[1] Because the Leafs let in goals, their defense is unacceptable and they need to immediately trade away McCabe, Kubina, and Gill. Finding a home for gigantic contracts in a salary cap world is simple, as it is of no consequence to other general managers when making deals.

[2] Because our defense is poor defensively, but good offensively, we should put McCabe/Kaberle/Kubina/Colaiacovo up on the wing to play forward. The fact that these are guys that have played nothing but defense for their entire careers shouldn't matter - they'll be fine, and the team will be stronger because of it.

[3] Because there were unrestricted free agents available this off-season, and the Leafs didn't sign all of them, the off-season was a failure. The fact that the Leafs signed one of the more coveted free agents matters not. Whichever free agent ends up performing the best this year is the guy we should have picked up. The fact that the bigger name players absolutely couldn't have fit on our payroll? Inconsequential.

[4] Because neither Leaf goaltender has looked great this pre-season, the team is doomed to finish last. Forget everything else; a poor showing in the pre-season is reason to panic. Moreover, the solution is for the team to trade for other goalies in very similar situations and get rid of the current duo. It's that easy.

[5] Deals made by recent general managers are invariably terrible, and will be the downfall of the team. Because a certain player doesn't perform as well as expected every single game, they are not good enough to wear the jersey. These players should be traded as soon as possible, and other teams will fight eachother to take them.

[6] The Leafs could really use a player like ______ (insert superstar here). Why not trade away ______ (insert mediocre talent here) and _____ (insert slightly above average prospect here) to get him? Remember, Leaf fans never need to think of the other team's incentive to trade away their stars.

[7] Paul Maurice doesn't know what he is doing. His hiring should have meant a complete 180 of the team's direction despite having mostly the same team to work with. Since he only slightly improved the team, he should be fired. Forget that the team made major strides under his regime last season; he didn't bring a Stanley Cup with him to Toronto, and we should go hire Scotty Bowman in his place.

[8] Player X looked really bad last night - the team should either send him to the AHL, or trade him immediately. Decisions made based on one game aren't reactionary or ill-thought out, in fact, they will mean the Cup is coming to Toronto this season.

Fuck. These are only the ideas that I have personally heard or read. I always laugh at the picture of the unusually flamboyant fellow sitting in the unusually flamboyant pose in the unusually flamboyant silk Leafs jersey because at some level it represents the collective ridiculousness of Leafs Nation. I've attached it below.