An Open Letter To MLSE

Dear Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment,

As an avid fan of your Toronto Maple Leafs, I feel that I must bring something to your immediate attention. While your business model is paying fantastic financial dividends, there is one glaring weakness (other than the complete lack of success on the playing surface) that should really be addressed.

I believe this issue is alienating intelligent fans, who would otherwise devote more of their time, energy, and (most importantly) money to your Leafs. This may also partially explain why the majority of fans of your Leafs are about as smart as a Miss Nunavut contestant who has been huffing gasoline under power lines since childhood. You've done something terribly wrong and smart people are noticing.

Now that I've explained the gravity of the situation, we can move to the problem itself: Kernkraft 400. As a high-level executive of a large corporation, you may not be familiar with Kernkraft 400. I'll explain: Kernkraft 400 is a song by a mediocre German techno band called Zombie Nation. It's their biggest single, and they are dubbed a "one hit wonder" because of it. You, or someone in your organization, has chosen to play this song at Leafs home games when the team scores a goal. I'm sure you recognize the song now. If not, here is a link to the video:



You may or may not realize how bad this song is. Seriously, it has to go. It sounds like a song they'd play at Remington's during Extra Gay night. I don't want to meet the person that can listen to that song over and over without losing the will to live. It's that bad.

Last night's game really brought the issue to the breaking point. After 8 Leaf goals, I was forced to listen to that horrendous song eight times. As much as I can tell, the lyrics are, "ohohohOHoh ohohohohOHohohoh ohohOHoh". I may be in the minority here, but gibberish lyrics don't pump me up. They don't make me happy. If anything, I get confused when I hear that song because on one hand, the team has just scored, but on the other I feel a deep sense of shame burning inside of me because my favourite team associates itself with what is surely the favourite song of every registered sex offender in the city.

I need that song gone. I hope that we can come to some sort of agreement here. I propose a simple trade. I get a new song when the Leafs score, and you can literally have anything in my life. My girlfriend? My car? My soul? Anything. Just change that fucking song!

This message will self-destruct.