Coxsucker

It's not enough for Damien Cox to write about the game on which his article is based. No, after seemingly every Leafs loss, Cox brings up the following points:

- The team hasn't won a Stanley Cup in 40 years.
- The team has a history of trading draft picks for aging players.
- The general manager is unproven at best, and is at risk of losing his job.
- The team has few high-end prospects in the system, and as such, is doomed not to win another Cup.
- Mats Sundin, the team captain, is nearing the end of his career and his age is beginning to show.
- The team owners advertise a mediocre product as superior.
- The team hasn't made the playoffs in the last two seasons.
- The team will be in a fight to make the playoffs this year.

After today's Cox article, I made a revelation: Cox's negativity isn't about the team. It's about his dick. What do I mean? Damien Cox definitely has a small - or, at the very least, inadequately thin - dick. He constantly feels inferior and lashes out at every opportunity to the more confident, virile men around him. All the telltale signs are there: the inability to be positive or objective, even when the situation warrants positivity and/or objectivity; the constant regurgitation of points that have been so overstated that mentioning them again only makes himself look petty and argumentative; the inability to focus on the topic at hand, choosing to take a more broad approach to articles so as to be able to insert more negativity; and the all-around constant attack on the team he is paid to follow. Cox's troubles are a Napoleon complex in the pants. He was most definitely the inspiration for William Forsythe's character in Deuce Bigalow.

Yep, you heard it here first: Damien Cox is short in the trousers. Take it to the bank.